I welcome all time-saving conveniences of modernity

As you must well know, I have always supported the adoption of technological convenience whenever possible. Were it not for the advances of science and the consequent adoption of these advances by Western man, we would be nothing more than an ignorant mass of naked troglodytes—trembling as we huddled together, shivering in the coppice of ignorance!

I know it is not only in my best-interest, but in the best interest of my species to become an “early-adopter” whenever possible.

After all, what great steps forward were the
microwaved-meal, the airwave-conditioned autocar, and the self-cleaning sexual device!

But perhaps no technological innovation catalyzes the true patriotic American quite like the movie-camera that can see into the future.

“What, good Johnskyn?” you may say. “Such an innovation has not yet been announced!!”

Perhaps not, I will respond, but it has announced itself!

Several days ago I learned that a documentary film from the future would be playing in my Cineplex, and that it was a record of the upcoming assassination of our President Bush in late 2007.

Why, thought I, what a practical solution this presents!!! I can begin my mourning rituals (with the corresponding rending of garments and pulling of hair) a full year in advance! Being of stout emotional constitution to begin with, and with so much advance warning, I may well be emotionally recovered from news of the President’s death before the event itself actually occurs.

Thus, in late October 2007 (when the future-men tell us the event will take place) I shall emerge from the copse, clear-headed and sober, ready to act and defend my country, for I shall have mourned in-advance!!!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0853096/