"Who's Ear?" Why, that of a liberal!

Only a few miles separate my meagre residence in Chicago, that great bastion of conservatism [see previous posts], from the hotbed of liberalism and depravity that calls itself the State of Indiana. Usually, I am able to block this troubling fact from my mind. However, this past weekend, the stars aligned such that I was forced to confront it!

My nephew Jefty informed me that, being a high-school student, he desired a "college-tour" of the institutions of higher-learning in the American Midwest. He wished that the first state toured should be the very one that had given us President Benjamin "Atheist" Harrison.

Indiana, I asked? Heresy and insanity!!! (The very name evokes sinful sexual debauchery. "In-Diana" indeed! Woe-betide the poor "Diana" who finds herself violated by the heathen Hoosiers and their phallic state!)

"Be serious, Johnskyn," the rapscallion entreated, "it has lots of good schools. We'll just go down for the day. C'mon, gas is cheap there."

"And so is life itself!" I returned with appropriate, I thought, dramatics. Yet Jefty was not to be deterred, and Sunday morning I found myself ferrying him into those nether-regions of evil, just like Jason sailing to Colchis in the Argo. But with more tolls.

As we drove, I tried talking some sense into Jefty.

"The Hoosier is under-educated, and frankly desires to remain so!" I told him. "For two-hundred years, Daylight Savings Time has been beyond his understanding! Consider how long it will take him to grasp the Calculus or photosynthesis if it was two centuries before he could remember to set a clock!"

Jefty was unmoved, and so we reached out first destination, Wabash College. The grounds of the institution looked attractive enough, and the student tour-guide who conducted us on our stroll seemed knowledgeable (obviously, he was from out of state). Yet we were not more than halfway through our tour when the guide, employing a deceptive euphemism, informed Jefty that Wabash had an "all-male" student body!

"My god!" I said, quite unable to control myself. "And this is by design, you say? An exclusively masculine student body of 18 year-olds at the height of their sexual urges??? Sakes alive! The intentional cultivation of homosexuality may be par for the course in Indiana, but such things are duly frowned upon in Illinois."

Jefty and I escaped with (I hope) his heterosexuality intact.

And yet we pressed deeper into the Godless folds of Hoosier-land, stopping next at Purdue University. "They've got a great engineering school!" Jefty said as we strolled the grounds. "Engineering, bah!" I emoted. "Have those decadent engineers built the bridges, the roads, and the dams that have made progress possible in this country? No, it has been the working man! The Hoosier engineer engineers only his own path to Hades!"

Travelling farther south, we reached the headquarters of the hellions, the capital city of letchery, and home of Butler University. "If I went here, I could live in Indianapolis," said Jefty. Innocent child.

Indianapolis! More like "Indi-no-place-for-a-conservative." What a city! All around me, liberal overspending had provided "IndyGo" buses for the populace, built a "children's museum" (were "adult" museums too challenging for them?), and had luxuriously paved the perfectly functional dirt trail called Monon. Wretched liberal excess!!! We did not linger.

Our final destination was Indiana University. I expected Jefty to have come to his senses by this point in the voyage, but it was not the case. "What a cool campus," quoth he, after only the most cursory of inspections, "and John Mellencamp lives right down the road!"

Jefty wondered if I was familiar with that balladeer of bawd.

"Indeed I am," I stated boldly. "His encouragement of the agricultural lifestyle is exceedingly troubling to me. The decadent and Godless travails of an American farmer may seem glamorous at first, Jefty. But, in time, the moral decay and venereal disease would catch up with you!"

As we prepared to leave this state of sin, I had the idea of purchasing some sacramental wine in hopes of anointing Jefty with it, that the impressions of this day might be cleansed from his soul.
I located a purveyor of spirits and asked what the price of wine was in his abominable state.

Final indignity!!!

I was informed that no wine, even the most sacred and religious, is to be sold on the Lord's Day in Indiana. A more ridiculous and evil contravention in intentions would not be beneath these atheistic monsters, they only have yet to invent it.

I am now safely back across the border in Chicago. However, I peer cautiously across the state line like a soldier on watch, shuddering to imagine what liberal, sodometric atheistry they will devise next!