I do not abide malingerers

Yesterday, I saw fit to convene my evening repast by commanding a pizza-pie be delivered to my residence.

In less than two-bees time, a young man arrived and handed me the desired provision. However, as I set about to carefully counting-out the payment for my meal, my guest suddenly became hostile.

"You're not gonna give me a tip?" he intoned. "I don't believe this!"

Free money? For nothing?

I told the gamin that nothing of the sort would be his.

"The iron hand of implacable toil is your only solution," I bellowed. "Labor is the law! Have the honest weariness of the working-man, or else the sweat of the damned!"

The rascal seemed unconvinced, making a chuffing noise (rather like a horse). Had he not heard me? Perhaps, I reasoned, he felt his current state, hat-in hand, to be glamourous and urban. Of this, I realized, I must disabuse him.

"What radiance surrounds the forge!" I intoned. "To guide the plow and bind the sheaves is true brilliance. Not the life of a begging bohemian."

The interloper's only epiphonema was to suggest that I attempt an impossible act of masturbation. (The textual notation of his full reply is repugnant and beneath me.)

"Now see here," I said firmly. "That theoretical maneuver is best left to Chinese acrobats. Do you espy anything of the Orient in my countenance? I thought not!"

But alas! The rake showed no intention of leaving my doorstep, even as I motioned to hand him payment for the pie. What recourse was left? The best thing, assuredly, was a pacific solution. But what?

"What ho!! Behind you, my good man!" I shreiked with a theatrical gesture past where he stood. "A disorientated millionaire is throwing his ducats to the wind. Lucre for all, it litters the ground! Look to't!"

Though his cro-magnon features seemed to indicate less than complete comprehension of my words, he nonetheless turned to see what I was pointing at. In that instant, I dashed back inside my abode. Brilliantly concealing myself behind my armoire, I stooped so that even through the window I was not visible to him.

I, like any celestial body, possess the right to an occasional eclipse.