I applaud the Chicago City Council's recent legislative agenda

In recent months, the City of Chicago Aldermen have banned foie gras and stopped the expansion of "big box" retailers Wal-Mart and Target. Several months ago they narrowly missed passing a measure to explore slavery reparations, and they are currently considering a ban on certain cooking oils. What can I say to this legislative track record... except that I know myself to exist in what must truly be a conservative's paradise! Hail mighty Chicago, bastion of conservatism!!!

For you see, the ban on foie gras, a substance which I hesitate even to dignify with italics, sets a precedent for future prohibitions on other goods and practices hailing from France. (Having, however, no personal prejudice against the stout American ducks from whom the substance is squeezed, I would fully support its re-introduction under the name "Freedom Liver.")

News that Sam "Liberal-lover" Walton and the very French-sounding Target have been sent packing from my native soil fills me with an even stiffer engorgement of pride. Target's television commercials filled with dancing half-nude teenagers and syncopated music could only have encouraged gatherings of godless sodomites in its suspisciously well-appointed aisles. Wal-Mart's recent decision to cave-in to the abortion lobby and sell the "morning-after-pill" is likewise troublingly liberal. (For the sake of honesty, could the device not at least be called the "morning-after-copious-internal-ejaculation-pill?")

And slavery reparations! (How sweet a plum, even if it only dangled tantalizingly for an instant.) As the direct descendant of slaveholders, I can only assume that I would have been judged entitled to substantial recompense based upon the many valuable slaves that were taken from my family's stock so many years ago by the blue-coated Lincoln-lovers! What a justice their restoration to me (in monetary form, of course) would have been!

Finally, the current measure under consideration is counted xenophobic by some on the left, but I say those who hold with "foreign" and "exotic" cooking oils-- such as the palm oil under consideration for a ban-- had better leave America behind for these exotic locales they so esteem!!! Palm oil and cocoa-nut oil are substances best left to the naturally oily foreign devils who grow them. Give me solid American oils-- such as that distilled from a vegetable, or taken from the brain of a whale-- or give me death!

God bless Chicago, indeed!