Liberal scientists threaten the reproductive potential of our species

Yester-evening, my undead bones sat comfortably on my couch as I enjoyed a televised broadcast of Midwestern agricultural updates (as is right and proper) alongside my son Bucephalus.

At one point I got up to empty my zombified bladder, and returned to my seat only to find that Bucephalus had changed the broadcasting channel to a scientifically-themed program on Public Television.

I found it suprising that Bucephalus, not known to be scientifically inclined, would choose to view this sort of programming. But, lo! When the theme of the broadcast became clear, my son's proclivity ceased to maintain any aspect of mystery. The documentary purported to be a scientific report "On Human Sexuality."

"Delightful," I declaimed audibly. "Bucephalus, you shall learn of the natural impulses that contributed to your own coming-into-being-ness. Draw near, my child."

Sensibly, the programme began with a survey of attributes that women find desirable in men. I noted, with a little dismay, that liberal euphemisms for "literate, land-owner" had been employed when the qualities desired in men were discussed, but then this was to be expected with PBS.

But when the show turned its attentions to the qualities that men find attractive in women, the disgusting, Godless, vile agenda of this Democrat-funded network became horribly clear!!! While the camera surveyed a series of-- it must be granted-- pleasant and shapely women, a narrator's voice intoned that: "The one constant, across all races and cultures, is that the attractiveness of a woman can be found in her waste-to-hip ratio."

Excreable obsenity!!! I was astounded! A new low, even for PBS!

I disconnected the television cord and began to pray.

Certainly, as a man of the world, I had on prior occasions heard tales of the odd psychopath or criminal deviant entertaining an interest in corprophilia. But to put forth the idea that it is "normal" and "healthy" to assess the sexual worthiness of a female based upon the size of her spore (and its relationship to the hips from which it emerged) is the most disgusting liberal perversion of science yet perpetrated!

Any true student of sexual science knows that men assess women by their abilities in the domestic arts (in connection to the need of families to build strong, healthy households), bust size (and its corresponding connection to life-giving milk), and the ability to surpress the gag reflex.

Other notions, especially ones involving excrement, are naught but outright liberal lies!

Egress, Negress!

Sherri Evonne Shepherd (of-- I shudder to note-- Chicago, Illinois) has been named a new Adjunct Attendant of The View, a televisionized gathering of hysterical women on the American Broadcasting Company.

And Lo! This Godless, liberal buffoon has already brought shame upon the city of big shoulders by publicly suggesting that the Earth is flat. I offer evidence, here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLnCDTWB2S0

This scandal must not stand!

As any true conservative knows, the Earth is in fact gibbous-- that is to say "irregularly rounded." This is because it is resting comfortably on the back of a giant turtle (named Argon) who is slowly making his way through outer-space toward the Orion costellation. (The great space-turtle breeding grounds are, of course, located there, just shy of Betelgeuse).

But Ms. Shepherd's ignorance of this fact is inexcusable!

Any cursory examination of a gynecological manual (I still have my Dr. Boswell's 3rd Edition, pub. 1886) will reveal that the medical community finds in consensus that the removal of the uterus can work wonders in the reduction of such hysterics. Perhaps a trip to the doctor's office is, indeed, in order for her. In the meantime, I aim to destroy my autographed photo of Ms. Shepherd... by dropping it off the edge of Argon's shell!

Nefarious liberal plottings afoot!

They can be found here:

http://www.mercerforpresident2008.com/home.html

Lee L. Mercer, Jr., from Austin, Texas. A new liberal candidate for president!

He is, as can be said, an ignorant man, but he is not a fool. The light of nature has been ignited in him. Unhappiness, which also possesses a clearness of vision of its own, augments the small amount of daylight which exists in this mind. My fellow conservatives, beneath the facade once sees a cunning, Godless liberal ready to strike at the heart of true conservatism!

Consider... Under the innocent heading "Reasons for Mr. Mercer's Presidential Candidacy" we see a litany containing the following item:

"56. To Prove Jeb Bush is all in my house with disease."

In this boast, Mr. Mercer all but criminally asserts that he his holding hostage the former conservative governor of Florida, wrongfully deposed by so-called "term limits" (the invention of liberals, it will be remembered) in January of this year. Not only is the former governor being held against his will, boasts Mr. Mercer, but he has been allowed to deteriorate to such a state that disease has now set-in.

If he is elected to lead this nation, who knows which other prominent conservatives Mr. Mercer may seek to kid-nap once granted the powers of the Federal government. But FEAR NOT Governor Bush, upon the posting of this web-log, a zombie shall begin his stumble southward from Chicago to free you from the constraints of this deranged Texan jailer!

Amongst the Iowa-Men!

This age proclaims the sovereignty of the citizen, and the inviolability of life; it crowns the people, the fraternity of nations soars through space, and holds communion in the eternal azure; men mingle in the skies!

Yet on the too, too solid earth, correction is clearly still required!

Since returning from the slumber of the grave (an unfortunate event, brought about by an over-charging slattern and her "handler"-- see previous post), I discover that my own Senator, the great conservative leader Barack Obama, has immersed himself amongst the Iowa-Men in connection to an attempt on the presidency. Hear me, dear Senator, for mine is a tale of caution! The Iowan is incorrigible, and his vices divers and his ways nefarious! Your campaign-time is better spent amongst cooler-headed Americans. Swaying the mind of an Iowan is tantamount to convincing a sow to bleat! Consider the following anecdote from my life (as opposed to the "life" I now enjoy as a reanimated-American):

In 2003, I journeyed four hours westward from the great conservative bastion of Chicago to interrupt an interloper from the so-called "Emerald Isle" who was visiting Iowa with the intention of displaying his own liberal, sodometric perversion of the American-English language. Upon my arrival at the "University of Iowa Writer's Workshop reception for Seamus Heaney," I skillfully positioned myself outside the door of the Liberal-Arts Building (Why no "conservative-arts" building, you liberal, Iowan dogs?), and bravely foisted the "IRISHMAN- GO HOME!" sign that I had lovingly crafted over the weekend in Chicago.

My conviction was inveterate, but- zounds!- not a single soul entering the lecture hall was turned away by my friendly warning. Thinking that perhaps a holographic missive was lost entirely on the illiterate Iowans, I began to offer verbal alarms, such as:

"Harken, this way lies an Irish-Man! Beware his sloping brow. It belies a criminal intent!"

"The enfranchisement of intellects comes not from Saint Patrick and his followers!"

and

"By cotton saltpetre, by the steam of a horse, by the voltaic battery a workman, by the electric fluid a messenger, VENTURE NOT INSIDE!"

Eventually this did produce some effect, as a young rapscallion approached me and entreated, "Dude, are you, like, a slam-poet, or something?"

It was then that I saw that Iowa was already lost.

This green-shoed, donegal-bearded, whisky-drinker had pre-emptively circumvented my attempts at warning others of his presence, having already instructed the Iowans that my clear, carefully-worded warnings were, THEMSELVES, an attempt at poetry!

I lowered my placard in defeat.

Caution, dear Senator Obama, caution! The Iowa-Men are already lost!

I am a zom'bee

Dear friends,

Man has upon him his flesh. He drags it with him, and he yields to it! He must watch it, check it, and repress it. And, the situation thus requiring, reanimate it!

Forgive Johnskyn his lengthy absence, in which he slumbered in the sweet embrace of charnel earth! For, lo! I have returned.

The particulars of my passing are not of the foremost relevance. (An allegedly unpaid courtesan and her "driver" were, regrettably, involved.) However, I had long ago enacted measures such that, upon the occasion of my demise, my son Bucephalus would undertake to re-animate my corpse with life, through the best means available to him.

But- catastrophe abounding!!!- I see that it has taken my dull-witted seed nearly a year to complete the task. And, compounding the confounding nature of it, it seems that the "secret" to my reanimation was, all this time, present in a mass-market publication. I shall provide linked-coordinates to the particulars presently:

http://www.amazon.com/zen-zombie-better-living-through/dp/1602391874

To be an upright man is the rule. Err, fall, sin if you will, but stand upright!

From this day forth, I, zombie Johnskyn Kantilever, shall remain upright and "live" each day to the fullest!